Die geheimen Tageb├╝cher von einer verderbten Existenz

Behind these gates you will hear my thoughts screaming like nerves under the sun and feel my emotion laughing to the empty ether.
Welcome Dear Wanderer, make yourself at home.
The road is long and tortuous and I hope you enjoy yourself.

Fraternally Yours,
Poison Creeper

Friday, 13 June 2008

Loosing

Needing consolation, needing encouragement and needing somebody that can understand and speak for me, when I do not have any voice left.
Turning around and realising that, despite all those messages and vain words from those who I had considered to be my friends, I am alone. ( I bet that somebody might think "oh well, dear, deal with it, we are ALL alone", well I say to these that each one of us have different necessities in life, I need the PACK which I haven't got, anymore).

All I can hear is "oh well, if you decided this way then that's your choice" or "oh I cannot answer you, do what you think it's better" or even: "if you want to talk I'm here" (when I haven't heard from that person in months!) " nobody has forgotten you" oh really? Nobody?
I wonder.
"I forgotten about how much I missed you" if you had forgotten it's because you are NOT missing me, face it. And please, don't be hypocritical towards yourself.

This is not help, this is an hypocritical behaviour of those that want to come across as willing to help, as friends but they just can't be arsed.

"I'm here, darling" here like what? A pillar?a chair? A tile in the bathroom? A fly?a inanimate object on the shelves?.
That's a great help, like erm…like a walkman to a deafperson.
Do you call this helping someone???

I had spoken out for many people, I had in the past gone through trouble, lost friends for other people.
Are they ready to do it for me? I am not asking for a payback I do not do things for the sake of receiving something back but when I NEED help i don't find ANYONE ready to lend a hand.
I am thinking that probably I shouldn't have done that. I should have thought about mysef. Nobody ever spoke out for me.
Nobody EVER that offered to help me, they are all there like floating entities detached from my life but they like to think they are part of it.



please do not bother sending me messages, I have put myself on away mode, do not bother giving me explaination, each one of you will have a valid one to hold the alibi up for long. And I'd like to point out that.

I am not accusing anyone, I am just pondering on the state of things. I am thinking out loud. It maybe had just been a big misunderstanding from my part.
Maybe I thought that I could consider some real friends whilst they never considered me as such (and that would explain why they have never noticed that I disappeared for so long, and they never questiones themselves , why and what happened to Sara).
Afterall it IS human nature done that way.
So no grudge, no anger. Just a little bit of delusion on MY false perception of the people I hung out with for a good period of time....

Trying to raise my head out of the waters has been hard in this last year and now that I was gaining some confidence back, it all crumbled again at my feet.

I do not ask for help and I will never sort those problems that I am dragging with me since 3 years ago now.
I am NOT asking for anything, I never ask for anything i do not want to be the depressed person always winging everywhere nor I want to be the attention seeker and I do understand and know that many of you have valid reason for not being able to help.

I am very near to delete this profile, I do not do that because of those which I can only keep in touch through here. My Mobile Phone will be switched off [edit] i LOST MY BOBILE PHONE and few of you have my email, even fewer know where I live or know my home number so if you have those and you wanna get in touch just know that my Mobile phome is non existant anymore. Of course I am active on DeviantArt and if you have a profile you can also send me pvt messages there.
:)


I have lost Will, I have lost strength, I have lost myself along with Love.

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