Die geheimen Tageb├╝cher von einer verderbten Existenz

Behind these gates you will hear my thoughts screaming like nerves under the sun and feel my emotion laughing to the empty ether.
Welcome Dear Wanderer, make yourself at home.
The road is long and tortuous and I hope you enjoy yourself.

Fraternally Yours,
Poison Creeper

Monday, 14 February 2011

the beginning of day 11

Thinking back at the last 11 days since I had promised to wait and to cut contacts: I finally came to the decision and the determination to act on all this thoughts and resolutions.
Told him tonight That I have to do that and that we have to cut all the contacts. I hope he understands that I am doing it for his own good. He has to miss me, he has to feel that void to be able to work on his own issues. He doesn't need the emotional blackmailing that involuntarily i'm making. He needs time for himself. I wish I could tell him but for now he's better off knowing that i'm angry at him and that I have given up the hope. I wish this helps. If it doesn't then there was no point in pursueing any kind of contacts in the first place anyway. Persevering on this dramatic, useless and exhausting chain of contacts. I cannot keep on doing this to him. He needs to be free and get on with his life. I will hope still and won't move on but there must be silence. On valentine's day I have taken this decision and will keep my word. Painful but necessary.
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Sunday, 13 February 2011

Another Day by Charles Bukowski

Having the low down blues and going
into a restraunt to eat.
you sit at a table.
the waitress smiles at you.
she's dumpy. her ass is too big.
she radiates kindess and symphaty.
live with her 3 months and a man would no real agony.
o.k., you'll tip her 15 percent.
you order a turkey sandwich and a
the man at the table across from you
has watery blue eyes and
a head like an elephant.
at a table further down are 3 men
with very tiny heads
and long necks
like ostiches.
they talk loudly of land development.
why, you think, did I ever come
in here when I have the low-down
then the the waitress comes back eith the sandwich
and she asks you if there will be anything
snd you tell her, no no, this will be
then somebody behind you laughs.
it's a cork laugh filled with sand and
broken glass.

you begin eating the sandwhich.

it's something.
it's a minor, difficult,
sensible action
like composing a popular song
to make a 14-year old
you order another beer.
jesus,look at that guy
his hands hang down almost to his knees and he's
well, time to get out.
pivk up the bill.
go to the register.
pick up a toothpick.
go out the door.
your car is still there.
and there are 3 men with heads
and necks
like ostriches all getting into one
they each have a toothpick and now
they are talking about women.
they drive away first
they drive away fast.
they're best i guess.
it's an unberably hot day.
there's a first-stage smog alert.
all the birds and plants are dead
or dying.

you start the engine.

Friday, 11 February 2011


I woke up this morning to realise that the very same thoughts that polluted my brain last night, were still there.
Growling and scratching from the inside the walls of my heart.
Tearing apart the strings of my thoughts.
Burning down the last stems of hope.

And I misse my friends.

Their hugs and the comfort of their smiles.
Their silences or their knowing looks.
Knowing that whatever I do, whatever I think they will be there.

Silent days, staring at bare ceilings or chaotic nights on the dancefloor.

Friends protect.

Now that I am slowly realising that I should let Hope go, that it's time to stop clutching that loose rope, I look back and think at all my friends.

the only trustworthy bond in life.
Despite I thought I had found a stronger bond than this, I have come to realise yet again that it was bound, like any other times, to fail miserably.

I wish i could have all my friends together: Italy, UK, Germany, France, USA...all in one. I wish I could embrace them in one, global hug and just forget all the heartbreaks, rejections, disappointments and failures of my life.

A hug that could soothe the pain that seems to have no intentiuons to leave.

It's a hard thing to do and i am trying to succeed but I know
I have to abbandon Hope and stop crying for this loss.
He's gone and will never come back.
They never do, anyway.

I miss my friends, all of them.

Love and Friendship
by Emily Bronte

Love is like the wild rose-briar,
Friendship like the holly-tree—
The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms
But which will bloom most constantly?

The wild-rose briar is sweet in the spring,
Its summer blossoms scent the air;
Yet wait till winter comes again
And who will call the wild-briar fair?

Then scorn the silly rose-wreath now
And deck thee with the holly's sheen,
That when December blights thy brow
He may still leave thy garland green.

Day 9

Why should I give a shit
why should i still cry
why should I still hope

when you don't care anymore?

GENOCIDE ORGAN - Disobey ends (Videoclip)

Thursday, 10 February 2011

I think I am developing sore throat and a bad cold.
i am still not understanding what is going on in his head, I am still fearing he might end up falling for others and then, eventually, start something with somebody - not me -
I am afraid I might loose him, or maybe I 'm afraid I have lost his already. I need a sign, a sign that I am not waiting in vain.

I doubt the sign will arrive tho, I doubt he'll be still tinking of me when I get back to UK.

Teddy Bears - To Know Him Is To Love Him

The Script - If You Ever Come Back

Death in June - Crush my Love

A broken dream
Hangs over life
I feel no pain
I feel nothing

Like empty shells
Like coffins
Just emptiness
Just emptiness

he liked my picture of Eeyore.
I keep on looking at his name underneath that picture as an encouragement.

It's all so cold and grey here without him and I can't help but thinking how comfortable and protected I used to feel in his arms.

Death In June - Come Before Christ And Murder Love

are you happy without me?

day 7 and 8

Another day spent weeping and trying to warm myself inside.
No word of comfort can fill the void by his silence.
Is he gone for real? he had probably already over what we had and I cannot move on.
I know there is no point in hoping nor in waiting but I cannot do otherwise.
I listen to black metal and sulk into my own thought, I try not to let my parents see how I feel but I know my mum does know what I am going through.
There is no strenght in my reaction nor success.

I love him and he doesn't love me, how fucking obvious is that?
I should move on but still there is something that keeps me down there.

pointlessness in everything I do or think..or hope.

Another day is almost finished and i still cry.

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Cracking a smile through tears

"I'm going to sleep now coz i'm drunk. I just had dinner with Steve, 2 hours of him telling me how amazing he thought you are and how perfect we are together. I could only agree with him. Sorry for breaking the silence, good night now. Hope Italy is treating you ok."

that arrived as a surprise.
Is it a sign not to loose hope?
It's incredible how many of our friends are supporting us.
How many were upset and how many are affected by this whole things.
It's incredible.

well that made me crack a smile, still it means nothing to me.
Just words, but they warmed my heart.

Day 5 and Day 6

The Grim End has arrived.
I couldn't deal with it, I couldn't bear the idea of being close to him and not be able to kiss him or make love to him.
Friends...we cannot be friends...we kissed and that brought tears in my eyes...we hugged and I was crying whilst hiding in his arms.
I haven't stop crying since more than a week ago and still it doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon.
I left London today and went to see my parents, hoping in some inner peace but even here memories, the fear and the hope still haunt me.
I shiver, I sigh and I still miss his skin and his smell.

Day 6... of waiting...
how long for...?

Monday, 7 February 2011

... And be sure of one thing: if I ever walk into your house again is certainly not to spend the night in agony hugging you but really wanting to have an amazing sex all night, like that I can only get from you and to wake up with you, TOGETHER, knowing that what we did the night before was something you truly wanted.
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Day 4

I don't know where I am standing now...
I told him I am sticking around and that we have to work together towards the same target.
I wouldn't have been able to go on without him but he has to realise there is no fear to be had in starting again.

It was heartbreaking having to say goodbye on the bus, it was heartbreaking not being able to kiss him during the gig and it was heartbreaking feeling his arms around me and knowing that they were not going to touch my bare skin for virtually ever.

things will not be the same as before. I cannot put myself in that same position of being introduced as a "mate" and I will still have to go on with my life. Only Penelope had Ulysses coming back into her arms. I have never heard such a thing happening these days.

Still I hope he will realise
I cry, still
for not being able to be myself with him yet again.
and I cry for not being able to be with him.

love sucks

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Day 3

he's coming here to talk again.
We decided that we need to stick together if we want to work things through.
Only by helping him and showing him that there is no reason to fear the failure with me, we can be happy and hopefully together.
My only fear is to become a friend and to see him falling on love or shagging some other girls.
Of having to be the witness of my "downgrade" to a friendship level.
If he really loves me and if I really love him we will work towards the same target, together.

Only time will tell but the separation is not an answer to all this.
there is hope and I don't want to leave the battle until I have fought with all my Will and all my Love to save this beautiful thing that we have.

Tamaryn - Dawning (Official)

‎..I woke up wanting you. did your heart succeed the way you want it to..in love, do you remember, when the day came quite suddenly.. it's a hard light when the hearts sees, that it beats alive.. you're a vast sea..

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Day 3

Last night session was particularly heavy and exhausting.
I still have blood under my nails and the taste of it in my mouth.
The scalpel lays dirty on the table and the ashes of that rose with the remains of the paper used is in the ashtray on the altar.

I never had so many cups coming up in a spread since I had met him.
They tell me to be patient and the final outcome will be the 5 of cups reversed.
For now I just need to wait and be patient, accept the separation and just hold this ace of cups in my hands.

It hurts to wake up without him with me, it hurts knowing that he's so far with his heart and I still cry.

Bitter tears of impotence.

Saturday, 5 February 2011

Day 2: still painful, I try to hold onto the hope but I cannot help but falling deep down. The spirit is weak and the fear is strong.
Slowly the resignation kicks in and I tell myself: how long more can I keep clutching this rope that is tied up to nothing anyway?
I need a sign but it's all vain.
I keep crying and my eyes hurts, my heart is pumping hecticly and my body shakes inside.
I want to stop this pain, this slow procession towards a certain death.

I can't let go that loose rope.
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Friday, 4 February 2011

It's done. I asked the question and got the answer. Time to accept and wait.
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Thursday, 3 February 2011

"Mommy Mommy, Where's My Brain?" directed by Moritsugu (1986 | Cinema of...

Triarii - Legio VI Ferrata

If everything is worth nothing then I can do anything.
An empty shell that is not worth a fight will only and always remain a worthless shell. can't be worse than that.
Time to bury feelings and my dried, useless, heart.
Time to endeavour the war path
we could have been heroes.


...and the more I think about it...
my thought goes to all the people around us.
our friends
my friends
his friends

It never happened to me that so many are hurt directly or indirectly by this.
many messages of not giving up hope
and many more of sad surprise.

did the energy dry up


was it violently put out


Space 2/2 - Timothy Leary&Ash Ra Tempel

Space 1/2 - Timothy Leary&Ash Ra Tempel

Just not worth fighting for

Again, I'm here, puffing at this long cigarette.
1am. 03.02.11

Something slipped today
or, rather
I let it slip.
it wasn't staying for the right reason.
I wasn't worth the fight, simple.

I still feel his kisses and his hand on me...

my heart is broken once again: it wasn't worth the fight.

many reason to leave, no reason to stay.

is anything worth the fight? I wonder.
I thought I had one worthy reason but, yet again, I was wrong.

Ash Ra Tempel - Darkness: Flowers Must Die [1972] [Purple Pyramid, 1998]

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

All We Ever Wanted Was Everything

Current 93 All The Stars Are Dead Now

The Seekers - The Carnival Is Over.(1968)


my heart is broken
Clutching the phone in my hand with my heart wrapped barbed wire. I stare at the ceiling in silence.
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Rosa Crux - Omnis qui decendum

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Puffing at this long cigarette,at one minute past midnight,
I decided to have a look at some old posts on this blog: almost exactly a year ago, I had just come back from Malta to dj with my newly found friends from Poland.
I remember those few days with joy and I wish I could have done the same this year instead of spending this damp and sad winter in London.

Today is the first day where I am officially on statutory sick pay for the next 2 weeks. Work related stress has been the diagnosis of the doctor. Yes, things hadn't been the best work-wise in the last 6 months and, despite things are getting better every day, I am still paying the consequences of a lot of past pressure from my boss and colleagues. On top of all, some emotional issues had come to the surface. Hopefully by the end of this 2 weeks things will be sorted on both levels.

I'm coming up with some interesting things to do with my time generally my idea is to work on my own wellbeing.
Maybe some (radical) changes of my room and also more research on musick and magick.
I have been neglecting my own path, lately to allow time and space to something important but I also realised that I seem to have lost touch with who I am, deep inside, becoming quite boring to my own self.

Feeling rejected or, just simply, not of any help to the people I love and care for made me realise today that I have to regain control of my Will and Love.

Something is slipping away, a change is happening and I have to accept this change of state.
A rough patch, I'd say.
Still don't know what will be the next stage but I feel the wheel crackling. it will move soon.
I fear and I suffer, like all the times it had happened, like anyone else that has ever been in my shoes at any point of his or her life.

I puff again and listen to TriORE again, like last year at this time.
At the end of february last year I had gone to Italy and dj'd in Genoa.
That night I saw for the first time in 6 years Mathias.
For the first time in 6 years I finally had been able to let go that heavy weight, the guilt for having disappeared from day to night from his life and the pain for having had to end such a strong bond.
The bond was still there and I could finally rest and look forward towards my future without having to shut out those 2 years of my life every time I was remembering the past.

It's a comfortable place to look at, I had been told today. The funniest thing is that what I usually say. I even think I used this concept in some of my old, little, silly "poems".
Yes it is but it must not be a weight that slows down the pace of your walk in your life-path.

not easy..and how to do that? I am still unable to describe how to do it.

I had a nice night tonight with my friends although my thought went often somewhere else.

Rosa Crux.

The long cigarette is finished and I shall drift into sleep.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Wilson Pickett - In The Midnight Hour

mustang sally - wilson pickett

Buddy guy Koko taylor-born under a bad sign (Albert king)


Koko Taylor, "Voodoo Woman"

Etta James Trust In Me

Trust in me in all you do
Have the faith I have in you
Love will see us through, if only you trust in me
Why don't you, you trust me?
Come to me when things go wrong
Cling to me daddy,woh yeah and I'll be strong
We can get along, we can get along ,oh if only you trust in me
While there's a moon, a moon up high
While there are birds, birds to fly
While there is you,a you and I, I can be sure that I love you....oh....
Stand beside me, stand beside me all the while
Come on daddy face the future, why don't you smile?
Trust in me, and I'll be worthy of you ....oh yeah, yeah
Why don't you trust in me in all you do?
Have the faith that I... I have in you
Oh And love will see us through, if only you trust in me Yeah...Yeah Yeah
Why don't you come to me, when things go wrong, cling to me and woh, And I'll be strong
We can get along, we can get along oh, if only you trust in me.....

Etta James - At Last

At last, my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh, yeah, at last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clovers
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to rest my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile
Oh, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine
At last

Etta James - Sunday Kind Of Love

Etta James I just wanna make love to you

Etta James-My Dearest Darling

etta james I'd Rather Go Blind

Janis Joplin - Tell Mama

Beth And The Black Cat Bones - Hoochie Coochie Gal

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