Puffing at this long cigarette,at one minute past midnight,
I decided to have a look at some old posts on this blog: almost exactly a year ago, I had just come back from Malta to dj with my newly found friends from Poland.
I remember those few days with joy and I wish I could have done the same this year instead of spending this damp and sad winter in London.
Today is the first day where I am officially on statutory sick pay for the next 2 weeks. Work related stress has been the diagnosis of the doctor. Yes, things hadn't been the best work-wise in the last 6 months and, despite things are getting better every day, I am still paying the consequences of a lot of past pressure from my boss and colleagues. On top of all, some emotional issues had come to the surface. Hopefully by the end of this 2 weeks things will be sorted on both levels.
I'm coming up with some interesting things to do with my time generally my idea is to work on my own wellbeing.
Maybe some (radical) changes of my room and also more research on musick and magick.
I have been neglecting my own path, lately to allow time and space to something important but I also realised that I seem to have lost touch with who I am, deep inside, becoming quite boring to my own self.
Feeling rejected or, just simply, not of any help to the people I love and care for made me realise today that I have to regain control of my Will and Love.
Something is slipping away, a change is happening and I have to accept this change of state.
A rough patch, I'd say.
Still don't know what will be the next stage but I feel the wheel crackling. it will move soon.
I fear and I suffer, like all the times it had happened, like anyone else that has ever been in my shoes at any point of his or her life.
I puff again and listen to TriORE again, like last year at this time.
At the end of february last year I had gone to Italy and dj'd in Genoa.
That night I saw for the first time in 6 years Mathias.
For the first time in 6 years I finally had been able to let go that heavy weight, the guilt for having disappeared from day to night from his life and the pain for having had to end such a strong bond.
The bond was still there and I could finally rest and look forward towards my future without having to shut out those 2 years of my life every time I was remembering the past.
It's a comfortable place to look at, I had been told today. The funniest thing is that what I usually say. I even think I used this concept in some of my old, little, silly "poems".
Yes it is but it must not be a weight that slows down the pace of your walk in your life-path.
not easy..and how to do that? I am still unable to describe how to do it.
I had a nice night tonight with my friends although my thought went often somewhere else.
The long cigarette is finished and I shall drift into sleep.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.