Die geheimen Tageb├╝cher von einer verderbten Existenz

Behind these gates you will hear my thoughts screaming like nerves under the sun and feel my emotion laughing to the empty ether.
Welcome Dear Wanderer, make yourself at home.
The road is long and tortuous and I hope you enjoy yourself.

Fraternally Yours,
Poison Creeper

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Tim Walker , Kristen McMenamy and Kirsi Pyrhonen.

I am not big on fashion photography but recently I have been "helping" a friend in doing her portfolio by posing (which is not really the best of my skills!) and slowly I happened to acquaint myselfwith some fashion photography. Still not my favourite type of photography but you got to admit that some of the compositions (and artists!) deserve some recognition.

Today it's Tim Walker's turn and in particular some pictures taken of Kristen McMenamy and Kirsi Pyrhonen.
Kristenl, in some pictures, reminds me of Tilda Swinton (remember Narnia, Constantine or Orlando?) which HAS been one of Walker's subject too (bottom of the page).


and some more random Tim Walkers's Pictures.

Jennifer Cess

Bela Malgosia 

Tilda Swinton

Ans I had to finish with one of the most wonderful women of fashion

Saturday, 29 December 2012

The Body Of a Woman

Pablo Neruda (1904 - 1973) 
Body of a Woman 

Body of a woman, white hills, white thighs,
you look like a world, lying in surrender.
My rough peasant's body digs in you
and makes the son leap from the depth of the earth.

I was lone like a tunnel. The birds fled from me,
and nigh swamped me with its crushing invasion.
To survive myself I forged you like a weapon,
like an arrow in my bow, a stone in my sling.

But the hour of vengeance falls, and I love you.
Body of skin, of moss, of eager and firm milk.
Oh the goblets of the breast! Oh the eyes of absence!
Oh the roses of the pubis! Oh your voice, slow and sad!

Body of my woman, I will persist in your grace.
My thirst, my boundless desire, my shifting road!
Dark river-beds where the eternal thirst flows
and weariness follows, and the infinite ache.

Friday, 28 December 2012

The Joy of Solitude.

The beauty of having a few days off is not just being able to party, not only at least; but being able to spend time with your own self, catch up with the things that needed to be done and do everything that you have been postponing to do simply because THERE IS NO TIME.

I had the chance to sort out my laptop updating all drivers and also it seems now that the external HD is working again without giving me headaches when trying to transfer files in and out of the folders. Lastly I have cleaned up my pc from all Malaware and that annoying "browse to save" has been finally removed, I still don't know the name of the file but a general Adaware removal software had done the trick.

I have just bought myself a Wide Angle Lens, finally. It's a Tamron 10-24, perfect for my D60 and now I will be able to enjoy different photographic styles.

Talking of which, I was reading my mags today (they were piled up in the corner of my room, still sealed...as i did have no time to read them!) and found and article on Bill Brandt and his B/W photos.
Amazing photographer that just gave me a lot of inspirations. I think I will be playing around with the camera today.

This will happen after I have figured out few things on Virtual DJ Pro. Yes, that's another thing that I did, during these holidays: playing with mixes and uploading one onto MixCloud!!!
Threads of the Invisible now has also an account where everybody will be able to listen to what I play at home, in clubs and to friends. [link]

I really hope I will be able to keep on working on all these things once I am back to work. It's funny how many people have the wrong end of the stick when it comes to understanding how I really am.
If it was for me I would be locked in my room 24/7 provided I have enough coffee, some food, smoke and all my gadgets for photography and music but people seem to see (and remember)only the party animal side of me.
I woke up at 4pm today so I wouldn't expect to go to bed before 4am, I have enough time to fiddle around with all these new things.

Tomorrow there's the dj set at 12Bar, last night I played for 3 hours solid so now I have a 3 hours set ready for tomorrow.
Note To Self - I have absolutely to buy some decent cd folders to travel with.

Anyways...back to the original purpose of this Entry. Ladies and Gents we introduce you:

According to Wikipedia he was born in the first years of 1900 and died in 1983.
One of the most influential photographers of the XX century.

Had lived in Germany and Switzerland where he spent a long time since he contracted Tuberculosis.
He had a brief encounter with Ezra Pound which offered him a introduction to Manray.
In 1930 Brandt became Manray's assistant in Paris.

I still think of him as a constant shadow over my serene days where not work nor social life is making me frown or worry.
There are so many things I would have liked to share and to do but clearly our personal aims differed quite a lot. 
I don't do casual anymore, not with him at least! 
He is far too interesting to make it a feeble, shallow and casual.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Henri Carter Bresson and his exhibition in London - The Decisive Moment -

[direct link to the event]

Henri Cartier-Bresson (1908–2004) is one of the most original, accomplished, influential, and beloved figures in the history of photography. His inventive work of the early 1930s helped define the creative potential of modern photography, and his uncanny ability to capture life on the run made his work synonymous with “the decisive moment”—the title of his first major book. After World War II (most of which he spent as a prisoner of war) and his first museum show (at MoMA in 1947), he joined Robert Capa and others in founding the Magnum photo agency, which enabled photojournalists to reach a broad audience through magazines such as Life while retaining control over their work.

Visual Hints

Here are some inspiring photographers, contemporary and not.

Concresco – David Galjaard
Rotting concrete bunkers as metaphor for a regime based upon paranoia and fear.

Rather interesting and unsettling picture of dead animals.

Laura Diliberto 24 years old artist from NY.

Yousuf Karsh - Canadian photographer died in July 2002, one of the most acclaimed Portrait Photographer of the 20th century.

300 fox hunts on boxing day [link]
Please support the RSPCA in this battle against animal rights.

Something interesting is happening in Italian politics about this new law that declares ineligibility to run for election to those politicians charged for something. [Link]

On a personal note,  I think this Yule has been quite peculiar.
I did actually end up spending time with some people that are very close to my heart.
Lunch at one place and "dinner" at the other.
After having spend about 7 hours around a table, eating, drinking and laughing, I visited the other group of friends.
The closest ones, the family.
I thought it was going to be a little awkward really considering that these are the same people that I cut out (some more, some less and some others just for a period of time) of my life 2 years ago, when this whole negative cycle started. It turned out to be the most serene and heart-warming evening I have had in ages and not only actually.

Came back home at 6.30 and forced myself to sleep with scarce results at first but Rome  kind of mellowed down the spirit and eventually I fell asleep. The consequence of going to bed at 7.30 is that I woke up in the afternoon (not long ago actually) and had lunch/breakfast at 5...meaning I won't be able to fall asleep again until late, tonight!

Tomorrow my flatmate is coming back and I wish he didn't! there's something special about wandering around in the house butt naked, a freedom that since I moved in with him it has become a rare commodity.

Going back to last night: in this last 2 years things haven't been easy with the gang, too much gossiping and, in my eyes, too many people sticking their nose in my life.
Too many people judging others. In this last years I have built walls around me and only allowed few people to know what really goes on in my life. For the first time in years, last night, there hadn't been, with them, a moment of uneasiness. Finally I was again with the family, the close friends.
This was all I could have asked from these holidays, the only people that have been able to sooth the frustration that is unravelling inside.
Maybe this cycle has finally ended? Maybe I can TRUST again?

It makes me smile when I hear someone describing me as party animal, sociable and so on and I am aware of the demeanour that I, somehow, chose to have.
On the other hand, not many people actually know that behind there is a more insecure, introvert and selective personality.

So many people, looking at my fb page, make up their mind on how I am and what I like.
I observe and wonder to see how many of these people are curious enough to go beyond that mask, start questioning and try to get to know ME.
Many are just happy with the cheerful me, others prefer to go to the bone and, those that I let in, have been often surprised on how dark and cold it is, inside.

Anyways I have a comedown from hell, my nose is cursing me for all that we did last night and I have a sore throat!!
I was doing some research ... will be posting photography soon, (I will finally had the time to read the magazines I have received in the last month an a half).

New Year... my wish would still be hiding under the duvet with him ah! yes I am still not accepting this Houdini Stance but I am still hoping I was just being all wrong all this time. I WANT to be wrong but I am afraid I am right.
It is such a shame having to renounce to such witty, admirable and sweet company that he was.

Monday, 24 December 2012

Last night...

and today 

I am trying to snap out of this but still I find it hard to accept.
I still can't believe how unlucky.

I am looking forward to see the final result of the photoshoot. 
It was fun last night and today helped to get through the hangover.
Tomorrow there's another round.
I'll try not to think.

Sunday, 23 December 2012

I have put my good shoes on,
 my best mask and hair.

I am going out.

pissed off.

On a date.

Maybe I will find that mindless sex that everybody seems to love and yearn.

in the end...

I have finally cut the final umbilical cord.

Stupid I know but facebook was the only thing that could keep us in touch without talking or actively seeking company (which seemed to be his favourite past times and for me, most hurtful moment of the week).

I will give it another few days then, the telephone number will be next.

It was something unexpected, something that I fell for far too easily.
I should have known it was just a need to fuck, nothing else.
Well that's not for me, not anymore.

I just thought he would have been different this time, something made me think that but clearly I was wrong.
I am just not a regular-casual fuck buddy, not anymore.

Chemistry, meeting of minds, curiosity about one another, appreciation, trust and respect are far too connected to the stale, cold, act of fucking.

I am so sad. I feel so stupid, naive and pathetic.
This is so pathetic.

I felt I was on fire with the things I could’ve told you. I just assumed you eventually would ask. 
— Conor Oberst (via WORDSWITHINYOU)

Thursday, 13 December 2012

I ended up humming this today....

ok, fine, I agree you can't RUSH it.....
but at least nurture its potentials? 

I apology in advance but complete silence, to me,
it is NOT a sign of interest, attraction or not even of remote curiosity.

To hum this song again
"It is a game of give and take"

Friday, 7 December 2012

It is impossible to suffer without making someone pay for it; every complaint already contains revenge. 

The soul  of a woman was created below

You know, wine and women is all I crave.
A big bad woman's gonna carry me to my grave.

Monday, 3 December 2012

My Thoughts are nagging
inside my head.

A Helter Skelter...
or more like the feeling of being caged.
not sure how long before I give up or how long I will hold on.

We'll see.
Rome wasn't built in a day, uh?

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Life is Kind of Crazy with a Spooky Boy like you...

Well what can I say, tables had turned radically in the last 5 days.
I wouldn't celebrate victory but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day (and I still have to clear out the ground from old ruins still trading my steps).

Patience is the virtue of the strong, they say.
Well I guess I will have to work hard on that.
...but as long as I have an incentive I know I can be patient.
Let us see what this path will take us.

I have been trying to force myself to eat something as I haven't eaten anything since yesterday at lunch but all i have is a knot in my stomach, I thought I had killed all those butterflies....!!! 

"If you decide some day to stop this little game that you are a-playing
I'm gonna tell you all the things my hearts been a-dying to be saying
Just like a ghost you've been a-haunting my dreams
But now I know you're not what you seem
Love is kind of crazy with a spooky little boy like you

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Nothing is True, Everything is permitted.

Zos, Kia and Self-love

'Zos', in Spare's terminology, is (among other things) the creative power of the magician, the imagination.
'Kia' is the formless Ultimate Reality, another word for Tao or Brahmin or Buddha-nature. It is also the Will. As Peter Carroll points out, Kia is that which makes life meaningful. If you can understand how all these things are the same, you're doing pretty well.

Spare writes that Kia "may be regarded as the primordial sex principle, the idea of pleasure in self-love." What does he mean here? Perhaps he is saying that life is essentially a striving. Sartre said that "man is a useless passion", that the nature of consciousness is to reach beyond itself for something else. To rephrase that in a magico-sexual metaphor: all conscious experience is Lust. Self-love is the aim of Spare's magic. It is a state of consciousness in which the inherent lust of the mind is constantly fulfilled and renewed, so that you are swept along on a constant torrent of enjoyment of passion, freed from "belief" (Spare seems to use the word "belief" to mean all that is static and solid in the mind) and ego. You might have experienced something like this if you've ever had sex on 'shrooms.
From The Book of Pleasure (self-love): The Psychology of Ecstasy: 
"The Kia which can be vaguely expressed in words is the "Neither-Neither," the unmodified "I" in the sensation of omnipresence."
"[Kia is] The absolute freedom which being free is mighty enough to be "reality" and free at any time: therefore is not potential or manifest (except as its instant possibility) by ideas of freedom or "means," but by the Ego being free to recieve it, by being free of ideas about it and by not believing. The less said of it (Kia) the less obscure is it"

Now, Austin Osman Spare inspired the Illuminates of Thanateros

However I couldn't help but asking myself : The whole of Chaos Magick is based on the of lack of Dogma, personalised rituals and free choice over the principles, paradigmas and on the total supremacy of the individual performing such rituals.
Isn't the IOT a controversy, then? 
Reading on their site "The Illuminates of Thanateros represent the "organised" side of what is usually called Chaos Magic." what does that mean ? Which one is the organised side of Chaos Magic.
I know I have my own organised Dogma, created by myself from different sources and personal experience but which one is the Organised side of Chaos Magic?

To answer this question I have found a Ph.D. online about the Laws of Chaos Magic.

The Laws of Chaos Magic [click on the link to read more] which kind of gave me a new idea on Chaos Magic. 

Interesting enough I have just realised that on sunday the 25th of November 
Fulgur.co.uk is organising an AOS book launch : The focus of Life by AOS

We are also pleased to say there will be a special exhibition and book launch for this title at the Store Street Gallery, 32 Store Street, Bloomsbury (next to Treadwell’s) on Sunday 25th November, 2012. Original drawings from The Focus of Life will be on display, plus letters, ephemera and the incredible suite of magic-erotic drawings. All are welcome.
The Focus of Life (Redux)
Book Launch and Exhibition
November 25th, 2012
12 midday until 5pm
The Store Street Gallery
32 Store Street